09 July 2010

Bittersweet

7 Small Shawls: T - 176 days and counting down.

Sorry I was away yesterday! And many thanks to those of you who wrote to ask if everything is ok. Yes, it is. And no, it's not.

Today would have been my beautiful mother's 66th birthday. And this year, for some reason, I have been lower than low. I guess I've been so angry with her that the sadness has been covered to some degree. I'm still angry. Every day when I look at my boys and think of everything she has missed. But the sadness is closing in more and more.

This is her around 1976 on a yacht with her boss.
And here she is watching the SF Bay to Breakers race from Yerba Buena Gardens.
That was only a couple of years before her death in 2005 from liver failure. She had so much: beauty, talent, intelligence, the ability to talk to anyone and make them like her. I always remember her when I was a little. She used to bring my friends and me Ho-Hos and drive us to see The Nutcracker. She took me to ballet and art and music lessons. I idolized her. But she slipped away little by little by little until she was no longer the person I loved. Alcohol does that. The truth is that when she died, I had already lost her over twenty years before.

Before my mother died, I asked her why she drank. She said she didn't know, probably the most honest she had ever been. And I keep asking myself why...even though I know there is no answer.

Happy birthday, Mama, wherever you are. I love you. And I miss you.

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16 Comments:

Blogger momsue84 said...

My deepest condolences, Romi. I've had this kind of sadness in my family, too, so I understand. She would be so proud of you for your talent and creativity and hard work. We love you!

3:57 AM  
Anonymous Melodie said...

Hugs. I'm so sorry. I know how hard it is, I lost my mother 22 years ago next month and my father 20 years ago last month. Although it wasn't their choices that caused their deaths so I didn't hae the anger to go through, I'm so sorry you have had that on top of your loss. It is hard knowing your kids won't have her around as they are growing up. It does get easier but there are always times that will be worse than others. I lost one of my closest friends yesterday so am having a rough time right now too.

Hugs to you and your family.

5:29 AM  
Blogger Gudrun Johnston said...

Oh Romi.....thinking of you...losing mothers is definitely hard. Thanks for sharing your feelings with us.

6:13 AM  
Blogger RoxanneZYG said...

Hugs to you Romi. Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

6:39 AM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I'm sorry....

6:45 AM  
Anonymous twinsetellen said...

It's hard to lose someone dear, and even harder, I think, to lose them when they are still physically present. I hope your good memories bring comfort even as the harder memories bring wisdom for you to share with your children. Peace.

7:07 AM  
Blogger JelliDonut said...

This is heartbreaking, but you are giving your sons something your mother couldn't give you. Still, what a sad loss for all of you.

7:17 AM  
Blogger Rudee said...

You've been channeling music this week, so allow me...

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness

Blessings to you, Romi. These matters are weighty and break our hearts. Anniversaries make these feelings more poignant. I'm sure you know that anger is a part of the healing process, but so is forgiveness, both of her, and more importantly, yourself. Look within to try to find it, and I think you'll feel a lightness of being when you do.

7:23 AM  
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

I'm so sorry about your mom. Alcoholism is a horrible disease.

7:36 AM  
Blogger Yarnhog said...

I'm so sorry, Romi.

My mother never had a mother growing up, because her mother was always drunk. It wasn't until all her kids (6 of them) were grown and gone that she stopped drinking. She told my mom she would never forgive herself for missing her whole life. I wish it could have been different for your mother, and that she could have lived to enjoy her beautiful grandsons.

9:10 AM  
Anonymous SockPixie said...

Lots of hugs to you Romi.

10:16 AM  
Blogger kim•ber•ly said...

So sorry to hear. It is hard enough to have the anniversary of the death of a loved one come each year. But, to have added sadness... well, what is there to say. I pray that you will find peace this coming year.

9:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hugs Rosemary.
Beryl

1:18 AM  
OpenID meshugemoo said...

My Mom has been gone for less than 14 months and I still, sometimes, think that I need to call her to tell her something.
I'm sorry for your sadness, your anger and your loss. We move forward the best that we can.
Big hugs.

7:06 AM  
Blogger Laurie said...

I lost my mother to alcoholism when I was 11...and miraculously got her back for about ten years when I was 32...then I lost her forever to liver cancer. I understand the sadness and the anger and am sending you prayers for comfort and healing.

7:33 AM  
Blogger Laura Sue said...

I'm not surprised to read this. Someone like you whose heart is so big has often had it broken.

12:28 PM  

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